Tag: humour

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Rules to Fly By

These do the rounds on the internet from time to time.

  • Pilots are people who fly aircraft for other people who can’t fly. Passengers are people who say they fly, but really just ride
  • Fighter Pilots are steely-eyed, weapons systems managers who kill bad people and break things. However, they can also be very charming and personable
  • The average fighter pilot, despite sometimes having a swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. (However, these feelings don’t involve anyone else.)
  • Flying is a hard way to earn an easy living
  • Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane; the pessimist, the parachute
  • Death is just nature’s way of telling you to watch your airspeed
  • As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you (and one of them will):
    • One day you will walk out to the aircraft, knowing it is your last flight
    • One day you will walk out to the aircraft, not knowing it is your last flight
  • There are rules and there are laws:
    • The rules are made by men who think that they know how to fly your aircraft better than you
    • The laws (of physics) were ordained by God
    • You can and sometimes should suspend the rules, but you can never suspend the laws
  • About Rules:
    • The rules are a good place to hide if you don’t have a better idea and the talent to execute it
    • If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance (e.g., if you fly under a bridge, don’t hit the bridge.)
  • Before each flight, make sure that your bladder is empty and your fuel tanks are full
  • He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he who demands one iota more is a fool
  • There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night and over the ocean. Most of them are scary
  • The aircraft limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular aircraft. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no limits
  • “If the Wright brothers were alive today, Wilbur would have to fire Orville to reduce costs.” (President, DELTA Airlines.)
  • In the Alaskan bush, I’d rather have a two-hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa
  • An old pilot is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was safe
  • You have to make up your mind about growing up and becoming a pilot. You can’t do both
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To the Citizens of the United States of America

From Google+:

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron , will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’). Continue reading “To the Citizens of the United States of America”